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When Past Trauma Floods The Present
hermeisha

When Past Trauma Floods The Present

As a certified EMDR trauma therapist, I am a firm believer that all of our mental health struggles can be traced back to our individual and collective experiences with trauma. Our experiences with trauma impact how we parent, our perceptions of self and others, and how we respond in relationships. Often times, we are unaware when our traumatic responses are flooding into the present.

Practicing these tips below will help strengthen your awareness of the unconscious memories driving your behavior.

 

(If you do not feel comfortable doing these tips alone, please do them with a trusted friend or counselor)

 

Recognizing When the Past Is Becoming the Present

 

1. Pay Attention to your Behavior. 

Does your “reaction” match the content of the situation OR is it an “overreaction?” Here’s what you can do to answer that question:

Identify a “mildly” irritating or “mildly” upsetting event.

 

When ___________________________________________________happened,

 

I felt______________________________________________________________

 

I thought__________________________________________________________

 

and I did _________________________________________________________

 

 

2. Become familiar with your somatic responses:

When you’re feeling irritated, stressed and/or overwhelmed, where does your body hold it? (in chest, head, back, etc.) How does your body respond? (racing heart, clinched jaw, overheating, etc.).

 

3. Have you felt this way before?

 

4. Take note of the connection between present feelings and similar past feelings.

 

5. Practice de-escalating techniques:  

like mindful deep breathing, tapping, snuggling a pet, stepping outside for air, taking a warm bath, listening to soothing music, etc. to calm the brain of any over stimulation or triggers that may come up.

 

 

Reach out to a therapist to help process any painful memories that are present.

Is Forgiveness Conditional Or Unconditional
hermeisha

Is Forgiveness Conditional Or Unconditional

Many lean towards the belief that biblical forgiveness is conditional—-that forgiveness is extended only if the offender apologizes, if the offender acknowledges and takes ownership of their wrong. When they do, that is when we extend forgiveness.

The Gospel message is based off this example, that God extends forgiveness, “when” we believe. Belief is exercised through “confession” and “repentance,” prompted by God regenerating our hearts (i.e by the holy spirit). Therefore, when we confess and repent of our sins (i.e our heart posture comes to acknowledge our wrong, our sins), it is in-fact true that forgiveness is conditional, and thereby when such conditions are met, (salvific) forgiveness is granted by God the Father.

In my ongoing limited study, I have observed evidence in scripture for both conditional and unconditional forgiveness. The biggest example is Jesus on the cross literally declaring, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Here, it appears unconditional forgiveness is extended prior to anyone’s belief, let alone one’s confession and repentance.

Why Unconditional Forgiveness Is Rejected

I am wondering if unconditional forgiveness is rejected because it is often taught separate from justice and accountability. You can unconditionally forgive someone who never “repents.” You can also still pray for justice and/or accountability, and pray that they recognize their wrong because these request are also part of God’s character. Unconditional forgiveness does not mean that you leave myself open to more harm to the offender who never repented. Unconditional forgiveness still requires boundaries, and one can still pray for justice and accountability—while releasing vengeance to the Lord.

One aching (rhetorical) question to those who stand firm that we as Christians should only practice conditional forgiveness, is this: What do you do if the offender never apologies? Never repents, who never acknowledges their wrong….Lord knows it happens. Following the application of conditional forgiveness, it appears we end up setting ourselves up for bitterness, rage, malice and all kinds unhealthy fruit (Ephesians 4:31) contrary to scripture. It also does not represent the fullness of God. If our horizontal forgiveness towards one another is only conditional and the person never apologizes/repents, how are you able to reconcile, “but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:15).

Regarding our horizontal application of forgiveness towards one another, I lean that forgiveness it is both conditional and unconditional.

What If

If forgiveness is both conditional and unconditional, that means we are to forgive when “your brother sins against you, seventy times seven and repents, you must forgive (Luke 17:4) and “whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25) key word on “anything against anyone.”

Taking in the whole counsel of God and knowing God to be Holy, but also very practical, full of grace and mercy, but also of justice and truth—-it seems to me that both conditional and unconditional forgiveness represent who He is. I also see that unconditional forgiveness truly deepens our faith in Christ.

Yet, maybe the issue is semantics: “offering” “extending” vs “granting” forgiveness.

But again, still studying….

Botham Jean Trial: The Effects of Racial Trauma and Getting Clear on Forgiveness
hermeisha

Botham Jean Trial: The Effects of Racial Trauma and Getting Clear on Forgiveness

On October 2 , 2019, America witnessed something both extraordinary, awe inspiring and yet deeply conflicting at the same time.

When Botham Jean’s brother, Brandt Jean expressed forgiveness towards Amber Guyger for intentionally murdering his brother in his own apartment, it triggered an uproar for understandable reasons. Many wrote about the concerns of white Christians and America in general, who weaponize black forgiveness and use it as an opportunity to selectively gloss over crimes against Black bodies.  The granting of forgiveness on its own, “sends the wrong message  when it doesn’t afford the same leniency toward people of color who are incarcerated and caught up in the criminal justice system at higher rates than whites,” said Changa Higgins, the Head of the Dallas Community Police Oversight Coalition.

While such conflicting feelings and messages are significant portions of the discourse, I am here to focus our attention on the observed general theme of the misapplication and misunderstanding of forgiveness altogether that becomes dangerous if we do not get it right. I am not questioning the genuineness of Brandt’s decision (that is between him and the Lord), but I am highlighting the unconscious motivation that drives the need for Black Christians to extend forgiveness publicly, prematurely, impulsively and/or irresponsibly.

We often see forgiveness played out like this from Black Christians who have experience unimaginable racial trauma, and have suffered great violence and catastrophic loss by their white counterparts. In the depths of such loss, we see Black Christians take upon themselves the burden and ownership of displaying unwavering strength, without fully processing the magnitude of what occurred. This behavior is one of the effects of racial trauma that causes Black Christians to censor their pain and the rawness of negative feelings, in order to subconsciously avoid the false narrative as the “angry” “aggressive” “divisive” “unforgiving” Black man/woman on national TV.

We saw the same demonstration of forgiveness during the Charleston massacre shooting. 21 y/o Dylan Roof entered Emmanuel African Methodist Episcopal (Mother Emmanuel) Church in SC during their weekly Bible Study, staying until the end of the study, to then murder nine Black congregants right after the study. Just 2-days after that unspeakable trauma–still drowning in the shock of what transpired, the victim’s family members were surprisingly announcing they forgive Dylan Roof, also on national TV. Dylan roof, on the other hand stated he had no remorse for his actions, was yet calmly detained and taken to Burger King for lunch by law enforcement.

I am encouraging Black Christians to find peace in knowing that though the gaze of White America and societal stress may be influencing how you handle the effects of racial trauma publicly, you are not obligated to make it all look clean and pretty. The effects of trauma is so messy, its ugly, and far from tidy. You are not obligated to run towards forgiveness if your heart is not ready. God will still meet you right in the midst of the unbearable pain and gently guide your heart towards closure.

I am encouraging all of us as Christians to a healthier understanding and application of forgiveness altogether. The truth is, forgiveness is simple, and yet complicated in action. It is an integral part of our healing from the trauma.

And forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us…If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. (Matthew 6:12, 14).

Here are some examples of what forgiveness is and what it is not.

What Is Not Forgiveness:

Forgiveness does not mean a person should not be held accountable for their actions. It does not mean we must take upon ourselves the burden to advocate for the relinquishment of their consequences either.

Forgiveness does not mean it has to happen 1.2 seconds after the offense. Our Lord never put an explicit timeframe on when we needed to forgive, but that we should forgive. This means He understands that forgiveness is not only a command but also a (working through) process.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to keep yourself open to more harm or abuse.

What Is Forgiveness:

Forgiveness means that I have accepted that the offense happened, not that I accept that the offense was ok.

Forgiveness means that I have worked through and acknowledged the emotions attached to the offense/crime/ trauma.

Forgiveness means the letting go of  holding onto the offense/crime/ trauma altogether. It was awful. It happened. Choosing forwardness.

Forgiveness means redefining the trauma and not allowing the trauma to define you.

Forgiveness means I am still choosing forgiveness when the painful emotions come back up again and again and again and again.

Forgiveness means sanctification.

Forgiveness mean I can still pray for accountability.

Forgiveness means I can still pray for justice.

Forgiveness means I can still pray for mercy.

Forgiveness is an act of unconditional, undeserving love and an act of obedience between you and God.

Forgiveness means I have the choice to forgive you whether you apologize or not.

Forgiveness involves healthy boundaries.

Forgiveness means I do not seek personal vengeance, rather I lay down my claim to vengeance for you to face with the Lord.

Forgiveness is ultimately freeing.

May we all be a little clearer on what forgiveness is. May we become more aware of the effects of (racial) trauma and its impact on how we extend forgiveness.  And may we rest in the freedom of Christ in knowing God is still with you, even when your heart may not be ready to move towards forgiveness and acceptance of the traumatic offense right now.

“Black forgiveness is admirable when it is freely given and not demanded or expected. And the best response to black forgiveness is to prevent the harm that makes it necessary in the first place,” Jemar Tisby, author of  “The Color of Compromise: The Truth About the American’s Church Complicity in American Racism”

Deep prayers for healing and comfort for Botham Jean’s family and all those who are grappling with the ongoing effects of (racial) trauma. #BothamJean #RIP